Here I am again, still waiting to be rescued, but in the meantime I found something called “Safari” on the ogre’s computer and I’ve been on an expedition all around the world, and I’ve noticed that everyone is obsessed with a new ogre called Trump.
From what I can gather, Trump is a poodle, with great hair, who won first prize in a competition called “American Crufts”. He was a surprise win, but not as surprising as the previous winner, who was the first of his breed to succeed.
It would appear that Poodle Trump is not very popular with a large section of the population because he believes that America is for thoroughbreds only, and he wants to build a wall to keep all the mongrels out – he also has a thing about chihuahuas because they come from a land called Mexico.
Confusingly, Poodle Trump has a wife who is a real mongrel that no amount of pedigree clothing can hide, not like the previous winner’s wife – that puppy had class! Come to think of it, the poodle’s wife looks a lot like Svetlana who I booked on a plane last week – Crikey! mrs Poodle is coming to stay, I hope the ogre has enough red lightbulbs.
Poodle Trump also has an English mistress called Theresa May. I don’t now what breed she is, but I’ve heard the ogre refer to her as “a real dog”, so she must have class. She doesn’t want to build any walls, but like Poodle Trump, she does want to kick out all the mongrels and half-breeds, so I’m guessing she’s a thoroughbred English Bulldog.
Then there’s the Poodle’s English boyfriend; Farage, a dog that thinks he has pedigree, but is, in fact, a real pussy. Pussy Farage wants to change the name of Norfolk to Whitefolk to reflect his vision of a non-multicultural Britain, where white folk dance around maypoles every day while non-white folk plough their fields – providing they have the right papers, and are prepared to work for nothing, just like the good old days when people were “imported” to do just that.
That’s why Pussy Farage and Poodle Trump get on so well, and it’s also why their like-minded followers support them – they are not afraid to call a slave a slave.
I’m a thoroughbred Border Terrier, but I’m worried because the ogre is a half-breed, and if he gets kicked out, I’ll be abandoned up here in the land of Norfolk where most people agree with Bulldog May and Pussy Farage. My only option is to find myself a new pedigree owner.
So I did a bit more research on previous “American Crufts” winners, and I’ve noticed that they all have one thing in common – a first lady; I need to find myself one of those – with a pedigree owner.
The ogre is what is known as “an ugly old man who smells like an ashtray” and I need “a beautiful young lady who smells like a fish stick”, to replace him. Mummy has class, and her beautiful sister Katie, but I don’t know where they are. There’s always Baroness Temple, I mean she’s aristocracy, but I don’t know how to find her because she’s always out shopping.
Then there’s Sally-Sea Monster, but she’s a Yorkshire Terrier, and I’m afraid that might be incest. The beautiful Heidi would be perfect, but I’m sure Bulldog May will send her packing because although she is white, she comes from a land called ‘Austria that is almost Germany’ and therefore not an English Pedigree.
There’s Nicole, who also has real class (we can work on the goaty smell), but I’d have to stand in line behind her many admirers.
Maybe one of the beautiful Pinewood villagers would do, excepting the long-legged boy: I don’t think the world is ready for that, especially as I overheard the ogre saying that he’s dating his brother!
There’s nothing for it, I need to find me a pedigree lady up here, maybe on the beach tomorrow, there’s posh dogs aplenty there with full thoroughbred owners. So, I hope the ogre puts me in my favourite coat – the one that makes me irresistible.
Look out bitches – Monty’s on the make!
Sniff you later