Beauty & The Ogre


Beauty & The Ogre

Hello again, I know, I’m early this week, but the Ogre is off to London for the weekend, so I thought I’d better get this out before we go.

I’ve been reading the papers this week, when I say papers I mean The Times and The I, because those are the ones he buys, I really wish he’d buy The Sun, I love that paper, especially for the funnies on page 3 – two teats, that’s hilarious.

I’ve been reading about a new film release: “Beauty & The Beast” and I’ve realised that that girl’s predicament is exactly like mine – we’ve both been kidnapped by hairy old ogres, except hers is better looking than mine, but then I’m more of a beauty than her, or I should say, the actress portraying her, probably because my parents weren’t related before they got married, and while she colours her hair, I’m a natural honey blonde, collar and cuffs.


Collar & Cuffs

She’s a wonderful actress called Hermione Grainger with profound political beliefs, even though she hides her money in tax-free off-shore accounts, and a true feminist that isn’t afraid to get her teats out for the sake of art, publicity and if the money’s right.

I overheard the Ogre say that ms. Grainger is a real handful, well not from what I can see.


A True Feminist Icon

Anyway, the parallels don’t stop there, in the film, Beauty’s father is locked up in an  insane asylum by the evil Gaston, and my mummy’s been banged up in a Bangkok jail – not for any mental health problems, and not for any crime that I can comprehend. All she did was carry some packets of harmless white powder out of the country given to her by her friend Lupt. The only reason she stored them up her jacksie was because she had too much hand luggage – we all know that girl loves to shop!

Don’t worry, she’s managed to bribe the local officials, so she’ll be out in no time. She has had to take a job in a nightclub to pay for it, some kind of performance involving ping pong balls – she’ll be fine, she’s a great table tennis player.


One Night in Bangkok

There are also three pretty girls in the film that look remarkably like the three pretty Pinewood village girls, pursued by the dashing Gaston who has a fine head of hair, just like our Dougie.


Three Pinewood Villagers

The film has lots of lovely tunes, but I don’t understand the “Tail As old As Time” song, what the hell is a tail as old as time?, my tail’s as old as my teeth, and a lot older than my haircut.

In the run-up to the films release, there’s been the usual media storm that accompanies the opening of every major blockbuster. As well as the backlash against Hermione Grainger, there’s controversy over a gay moment between Gaston and Lefou which is, apparently, the first gay theme in any Disney movie.

……oh, come on, have you seen “Snow White” what do you think all those dwarves were up to before she came along? they weren’t called Humpy, Dumpy, Pumpy, Bumpy, Lumpy, Stumpy and Jumpy for nothing.


Seven Very Gay Dwarves


Gay Intrigue

In the film, Gaston rounds up all the happy villagers and turns them into an angry mob that attack the Ogre in his castle, I’ll never get the locals here to help me with that because they’re all out hunting illegal immigrants, so I’m hoping the Pinewood villagers will help.

When you get here, you can buy your flaming torches from Budgens in Holt, just tell them you’re on an immigrant hunt, and you’ll get them half price, they’ll even throw in a couple of hungry wolves for free.


Kill The Beast

I’m off now to share a waltz with the cafetiere, while the vacuum cleaner does the fandango with the Nespresso machine.

Sniff you later





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