The Ogre 1961-???? RIP

Calm down, he’s not dead, but let’s face it, he’s no spring chicken……. he’s an ogre, and even ogre’s have to die some day, so bearing that in mind I’ve made a few more purchases with his Debit Card, one of them being this lovely headstone and a burial plot at St Nichols Church in Blakeney.

I’ve left instructions that in the event of his passing, he is to buried with a glass of Pinot, a packet of Marlborough Reds, a copy of the Times and the I (for the damn crosswords that he abandons me for every day while he solves them in the bath) and a photo of yours truly.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to try and make some money out of the old boy by signing him up as the new face of “Stannah Stairlifts”. They want Helen Mirren, but I’m sure these publicity stills I knocked together will convince them otherwise.


Off To Take a Leak

Joe Stannah 5

Hellen Mirren Eat Your Heart Out

He’s going to need the income to pay for a few more purchases I’ve made on some very desirable property in the area. The barn should be fine – I’m still waiting for that million fish sticks from that African prince I emailed a few weeks ago,  but the ogre’s short on cash, and I really want that boat. I’m going to call it “A lick and a Prayer” or “Monty’s Tub”


A Snip at a Million Fish Sticks


“A Lick and a Prayer”

I’ll use it to take tourists out to visit the seals at Blakeney Point, and thereby  gain my independence from this cursed tyranny of human domination. There’ll be no dogs allowed, however, I don’t want any rivals after all.

In the meantime, I’ve sent off job applications to Morrisons and North Norfolk Council Refuse Collection. I’m sure even the ogre can manage to scan a Weetabix or lift a bin into a truck – let’s face it, most days he smells like a bin bag, so he should feel right at home.


“Would You Like Any Cash Back?”

Then we he’s worn out from all these new jobs I’m supplying him with, out of the kindness of my heart, I’ll purchase a few props to keep him going.



Sheringham - Chasing Gulls

The Ogre’s New Wheels

Sniff you later




2 thoughts

  1. Monty! it’s definately time for a break, the responsibilty of looking after the ogre is weighing far too heavily on you! Albeit you are fast becoming an extremely talented and prolific bloggeur, rappeur, poseur, raconteur and menteur …. you do NOt have to take care of him in his dotage….we shall all come to the rescue…you are NOT alone!…forgive the expression but there is life in the old dog yet!… you will soon be back in the fold and of course , not a word, no mention of the intelligence we now have!……your secret is safe with us….in faithful cohoots… The Baroness…..xxx
    PS . I hope you didn’t miss Crufts!


    • Crafts! bah humbug – I got bored years ago checking out the competition.
      As for the ogre, if only he would stop walking me – EVERY DAY, would you Adam and Eve it! three to four bleeding hours. I can’t wait to get back to my life of sleeping in the office all day.
      Love Monty x


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