New Tricks

Blakeney Sea Defences

New Tricks

Whoever said “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” was obviously speaking out of his rear end, because as you can see, I have become quite an accomplished artist. If you remember, I started out by painting the walls of Sheringham beach a couple of weeks ago, and the nice chap from the council was so impressed he organised an exhibition of my work at “The North Norfolk Home for the Criminally Insane”, which means nutters get to enjoy my work as much as I know you will.


Criminally Underrated

I’ve been experimenting quite a bit, trying to find my own distinct style, and I’ve been studying the works of all the great nineteenth & twentieth Century artists, such as Van Gogh, Picasso, Monet, Seurat, Rolf Harris etc.


Can You Tell What it is Yet?

I am particularly fond of the one-eared Dutch guy, but I don’t think I’m prepared to go that far for my art, it sounds very painful, maybe I’ll try it out on the ogre tonight while he’s asleep. What’s the worse that can happen – he ends up looking like a Picasso which, frankly, would be an improvement.


Sunflower Replacements

I couldn’t find a field of sunflowers, so I painted the ogre’s national flower instead. I would have painted mine, but thistles are as rare as a pakistani milkman up here in the back of beyond.

I think you’ll agree that the ogre looks better without ears, and with no nose – how does he smell I hear you ask – like bin juice. LOL! (that joke really does never get old)

Cley Church Graveyard

The Ogre Picasso Style

I call this one “Stockholm Syndrome” no, not because I’m secretly beginning to like him, but because the older he gets the more he’s beginning to look like the dark one out of Abba, after she had her bad eighties divorce haircut, and because, like them, I’m sending out an S.O.S.


Stockholm Syndrome

We went to Sheringham on Sunday, where I managed to steal a moment and paint this lovely self-portrait. Talking of stealing, did you notice that the beach has vanished! probably the work of illegal immigrants. I hope they bring it back – I love running up and down that beach chasing seagulls, and kicking off at other dogs.

While we were there, I had fresh oysters and champagne at the “Funky Mackerel Cafe” while the ogre gnawed on a dead seagull he found on the beach, washed down with a bucket of sea water.


Where’s the Beach?

After the disappointment of the stolen beach, I went up to the cliffs with the big ugly one in tow, and stopped to knock-up another portrait of yours truly, being captured by a future inmate of “The North Norfolk Home For the Criminally Insane”


Sheringham Cliffs

Here’s what I consider my best work, painted at Blakeney Harbour while the tourists passed by and admired my talent. I even made a few quid by painting their portraits while the ogre went to see a man about a dog, he was gone for hours, probably because Blakeney is full of salty old seamen – and dogs!

Blakeney Harbour

A Masterpiece

Back at Sheringham, I painted this lovely seascape as the sun set, where miraculously, the beach had reappeared, only to have vanished again the next day. I spoke to my friend at the council about it, and he tells me it’s been happening as long as any one can remember.

I’m guessing its not the work of illegal aliens after all, but rather, aliens of the “probing” kind. If you remember I met one on the beach here some weeks ago. I’m glad I didn’t stick around long enough for him to start his probing on me. Mind you, the ogre disappeared for a while, and reappeared with a limp and a smile on his face.



I have to leave you now, I’ve been asked to paint a series of erotic portraits of the members of the local W.I. for their 2018 Calendar, and just when I’m low on paint……now where did I put that nipple pink?

Sniff you later





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